Oh naught and four score ago there was a man called Ozzie Miner from Australia, though he was really from England no one was willing to argue with him over his own name and most of the time he was just called Miner. Now Miner was a big guy with arms the size of tree trunks and a shock of bright purple hair that he insisted was always natural. He was also the forefather of Mining in Australia today.
Many accuse Miner of being a scam artist and a liar but finally I have been authorized to share the truth about this Australian legend of the Great Mining Boom. Now as we all know mining is the process of extracting minerals from beneath the surface of the earth. Australian mining is the process of doing so in the country of Australia, and so that is where our story starts. Miner arrived in Australia on the beautifully sunny morning of 2 July 1923, as he swam ashore from the ship that apparently did not specify a drop off point for their arrival in Australia, he was overcome by the profound loss caused when young man abandons his home and his family in order to begin a new life far over the oceans.
Upon reaching land, still overcome by grief, Miner was greeted by a large furry man with the biggest feet he had ever seen and a bowler hat comically perched on his head between his large ears. Australian opinion has long been divided on this, many believe that the only reasonable answer is that Miner’s new friend was actually a kangaroo, though those who think about it intelligently soon realize that reason has nothing to do with this tale and Miner’s new friend was actually a koala with big feet. Miner being a city boy born and bred and having not a clue what a tree was let alone this large furry creature soon decided that his new friend was just a rather unfortunate appearing man and once again no one was willing to argue the point with him. Miner soon named his new and seemingly mute friend Scam, as it was a word he had heard regularly on his voyage to Australia before he was thrown overboard upon arrival.
So Ozzie Miner from Australia and Scam the mute koala/man in the simple acts of washing up on a beach and standing over the man washed up on the beach changed the world as we know it. Miner having found his first tree and deciding he did not like it very much decided that the best thing for the future of Australia was to do away with these large nuisances, though most Australian scholars agree that while Miner claimed that he destroyed the trees for being taller than him in actually Miner struggled with a wicked jealous streak and upon catching Scam munching down on a tree one morning he decided to do away with the lot of them.
Soon there way nary a tree to be seen across the Australian plains and soon the land transformed from lush greenery into dry arid deserts as far as the eye could see. This pissed off the locals to no end but Miner still maintains that he thinks it looks better this way and once again no one was willing to argue with him.
For a few years all was well, the locals figured that as long as they didn’t complain then Miner would not give them anything to complain about. Many believed that Scam was not actually mute but really just knew better than to try say anything to Miner who’s short temper had become even more renown across Australia than his painfully violet hair. That was until one day when Miner and Scam were walking through the desert on a casual stroll and Scam tripped over his impossibly large feet, landing face down in the sand. “Well,” Miner thought, “I knew this day would come. I must destroy the earth. But how?”
For ninety days and forty-seven nights Miner thought long and hard, how does one go about destroying the very land they stand on? “Eureka!” echoed across the land the moment Miner figured it out, a cry that has been emulated by miners ever since. Next thing you know Miner is dragging Scam through town to the local pub, the only building in town. Eighty glazed, unfocused eyes turn to greet him as he bursts through the door screaming obscenities, his purple locks whipping through the air in his excitement. Within minutes every man woman and child in the pub were marching out the door shovels in hand, Scam trailing miserably behind.
The townspeople dug and dug for years on end, all truly believing that under the ground somewhere would be gold and other minerals beyond their wildest dreams, many died still holding their shovels daydreaming about how they would spend their riches. Miner and Scam sat in a small makeshift office and watched as the years passed and the hole in the earth grew until on day the hole spread across the whole of Australia. Still they continued etching their scar deeper and deeper across the landscape while Miner and Scam grew old watching them. While no minerals were ever found in the mine many still believe they were there, people just kept missing them.
Ozzie Miner from Australia and Scam the mute koala were well into their seventies when the hole, by this point it was called The Great Australian Mine, reached from one shore to the next with only a small border of beach remaining above sea level to keep the water out. The pair completed a pilgrimage to the beach where decades ago they had first met and begun their journey together. All that remained was a meter wide strip of sand separating The Great Australian Mine from the sea, as Miner made his way to the shore he tripped over one of Scam’s extremely large feet and fell his huge mass displacing the sand from under him and allowing thousands of gallons of seawater to surge through the small gap.
Within seconds the once great mine and Miner were gone, washed away by the same tide that first brought them together. “I always hated you,” Scam whispered to the long gone Miner before removing his hat and beginning his long swim to New Zealand.
The End.
WELCOME